Ammie Not Amy

Compliment?

So, I just have to get something off my chest that's been bugging me.  Several times over the last few months I've had several family members and friends ask me the question that every recipient of WLS dreads -

  "Are you up a few pounds?"  

I am and I'm not gonna lie about it.  I'm ashamed, embarrassed, and angry at myself, but I'm up about 8-10 pounds (depends on the day).  That, in and of itself, bugs me more than you could ever know, but what bugs me more is the response I've been getting to my very honest admission.  Are you ready for it?  Can you guess what it is?  

"Oh good! I was getting a little worried.  You were starting to look a little gaunt"

Gaunt?  Are you freaking kidding me?   Really? 130 (my low) is the going rate for gaunt these days? While I'm sure that their response is meant as a compliment on my current weight (which I hate, I might as well weigh 200+ pounds again because I feel no different now) it feels awful.  It feels like an excuse to fail.  It makes me feel angry that I worked so hard to get to that number, to feel good about myself and then when I'm no longer there it's like they're stomping all over that hard work and confidence that I gained.  It's a slap in the face and makes me wonder if people say things like this because they are happy to see me fail. Another reason it bothers me so much is that 130 was still 8 pounds shy of my doctor's goal weight for me.  130 was BARELY within the "normal" BMI range for my height.  Had I not picked up a nice little transfer distraction (not quite an addiction but definitely a transfer from one bad habit to another) I'd still be at 130 and what would all of those well-meaning people have to say then?  When I try to explain my frustration to them over their comments they act like I'm some weight obsessed waif with an eating disorder.  And while I realize these people love and care about me, I can't seem to get over the mess that this "compliment" has left in my head.  

A full range of emotions

These were taken 4 years ago.  I came across them earlier today.  They made me cry a little, hate myself, & be grateful all at the same time.

Just For You

My husband says that my posts have been way too negative so here's a positive post just for him! My weight this morning was 148 which is 65.5 pounds down. I wear a size 10 jeans now. They are a little snug but the 12s are too baggy. I only have about 33 more pounds to hit my personal goal and between 23 and 28 pounds before I hit my doctor's goal for me. I have a lot more confidence and look like a completely different person. All of those people who told me I never gained weight in my face were liars. See for yourself. The first photo is February 07 and the second is March 08. Click on the photos to see them full size. The layout of my blog crops me out a little bit so you don't get the full effect.

Two weekends ago while window shopping at a local outdoor mall I popped into a Lucy store. I'd never been in there before but they looked like they had some cute, active/yoga clothes so I decided to check it out. An hour and a half and x amount of dollars later (I'm not allowed to tell you how much I spent because it was such a large amount. My biggest purchase to date in fact.) I came out with 15 or so adorable pieces that could be mixed and matched for working out and everyday wear. The sales lady, Heidi, was amazing and kept bringing me adorable items and grouped them into mix and match outfits. I tried these and these on in a medium size and was fairly happy with they way they looked even though they were body hugging. Heidi kept insisting that they were too large and grabbed a size small for me. I don't know who was happier when I walked out of that fitting room wearing a size SMALL. As if the size alone wasn't enough to make me smile from here to NY, they looked pretty darn good on me too! I bought them both! I bought one pair in two different colors. I know that they are stretchy but still...a small. It was such a great moment and also a learning experience. I left knowing how to not only get the right size but also the right fit. If you have a Lucy store near you I'd highly recommend checking it out. The customer service was amazing and all of the items are so well made.

Things are going well. I am healthy. I am down almost 70 pounds. I can do things with my body that I never imagined I'd ever be able to do. I have a lot more confidence and I look pretty damn hot in my size 10 jeans!

A Slippery Slope

The last month I've been at war with my head. I've found myself falling into old habits. I've bought and hid items that I know darn well are no good for me. Of course I eat them when no one is around (helllooo! Can you say binge?). One day I bought not one but two pieces of cake from the grocery store. I know what you're thinking. "Store bought cake? What the hell was she thinking?" Oh but wait! It gets worse. I put the kids to bed, pull out both pieces of cake, and proceed to eat enough until I only dump mildly. The sick part of it was that I actually gave myself a pat on the back for eating enough to only make myself a little sick. Realizing my stupidity I closed the containers and tossed them in the trash. I wish that was the end of the story but it continues to get worse. The next day I'm running errands like a crazy person and finally decide around 2 that I should have a meal since I hadn't eaten anything solid all day. So instead of having some nuts and cheese or a quick sandwich on a stick (deli meat wrapped around string cheese) I dig through my trash and pull out the containers of cake. The packaging was a little messy but hey, the cake inside was perfectly clean. I ate cake until I caused myself some pretty intense intestinal pain and ended up having to call my neighbor to go get my kids from school. Later on I tearfully confessed to my husband who was wise enough to take the trash out to the dumpster. We tried to analyze why I would do something so stupid. All we could come up with is that I was really stressed out. Pre-WLS if I was stressed, mad, tired, etc., etc., I would eat. I would eat large quantities of foods that I knew were horrible for me. Usually it would be when I was alone or sometimes there would be a houseful of people but I'd escape to another room and inhale whatever I thought would make me feel better. This incident is reminiscent of those times and I'm a little bit freaked out by the whole situation. I knew going into this surgery that it would not rewire my brain. During my psych consult I told the doc that I felt like my biggest battle would be more of an emotional than a physical one. I guess I unrealistically hoped that by eight months out this would be easier for me. The truth of the matter is that it's not. The honeymoon period is over for me. I'm down 64 pounds but my weight loss has slowed down considerably. This past month I'm only down 3 pounds. In the beginning it was easier to feel like I wasn't being deprived because the weight was melting off quickly. Now that it has slowed down it has become increasingly harder for me to see the glass as half full. I'm starting to question myself and my ability to actually meet my goal. Am I being realistic? Maybe I've messed up my new pouch. Maybe I'm not meant to be any smaller. I keep trying to tell myself that I would be happy if I didn't lose another pound but what a crock! And why do I feel such a strong urge to eat to comfort myself? What's wrong with me? Why can't I do this? Why didn't I wait until they could rewire my head? How do I get myself back on track? How do I get back the newlywed feeling for my pouch?

It's A Date!

Monday, August 20th. Check into the hospital at 12:30 and the actual surgery will begin at 2:45.
I was kind of hoping for an earlier time slot. I considered trying to sweet talk the scheduler but I have a feeling she would not be impressed with my lame negotiation skills. She's not very friendly...perhaps she needs a vacation.

Anyhow, I've been busy this week with pre-op appointments, sampling a variety of protein shakes, and scratching my head over the thousands of vitamin choices (are they really all the same?). Oh and I almost forgot...totally freaking out! On top of this emotional roller coaster I've been riding I also have PMS which caused me to burst into tears at the PCP's office. And at the In N Out drive through when I couldn't order a Diet Coke. AND at about 1 a.m. last night when I couldn't sleep and found only half of an Ambien left. Here's to hoping today is a "tear free" day.

33

So after a couple of days of stress (and a few tears) Dr. A faxed over my records. Talked with the insurance woman at the surgeon's office today and she was going to fax it all over to the insurance company. We should have an answer within the next week give or take a few days. Keep your fingers crossed!

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday and it seems only fitting that I should list 33 reasons why I want to have this surgery, one for each year. So, here goes:

1) I want to be able to wear a "normal" bathing suit and be able to get in and out of it with ease (any of you who have worn a miracle suit know what I'm talking about).

2) I'd like to be able to shop at any store I'd like and not just stores that carry plus sizes.

3) I'd like to feel like I have control over my own body.

4) I'd like to throw away my Spanx.

5) I want my calves to be small enough to wear a pair of Jimmy Choo boots.

6) I want to look as sassy as I (sometimes) feel on the inside.

7) I would love to get a massage and be able to relax instead of obsessing about what the masseuse may be thinking about my body.

8) I want to have more energy.

9) I want to go out with my friends and not be the token fat chick.

10) I want to be a better example for my kids.

11) I want to live a long, healthy, happy life.

12) I want to be an after.

13) I'd like for my husband to be able to pick me up without injuring himself. :)

14) I want to be able to climb stairs without feeling like I might die.

15) I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

16) I want to be more active and find some exercise that I really enjoy and am physically capable of doing.

17) I want to learn to love myself.

18) I want my family to be proud of who I am and how I look.

19) I want to be able to wear clothes and not worry about how they'll look if I sit down.

20) I want to stop worrying about what other people might think about me or how I look and enjoy life!

21) I want to stop avoiding my annual checkups because I've gained some weight.

22) I don't EVER again want to be asked when I'm "due".

23) I don't want to be the she-has-such-a-pretty-face girl anymore.

24) I'd like to be able to sit on the floor cross-legged and not cut the circulation off to my legs and feet.

25) It would be nice to get off the floor or out of a chair with ease.

26) I want to stop over compensating for my weight.

27) I'd like to be able to bend over and do up my shoes without going blue in the face.

28) I'd like to actually look like one of the locals and not a tourist from out of state (you'd have to live here to get it).

29) I don't want to be a statistic anymore.

30) I want to be more flexible. ;)

31) I want to be able to cross my legs again.

32) I want to be able to keep up with my kids.

and last but not least...

33) I want to look like my husband's girlfriend and not like the mother of his four children!

Elaine

Had a few bumps today concerning my surgery. The insurance company called to deny my request for the surgery because I do not have documentation of a "physician supervised" 6 month diet. Unfortunately, WW alone does not count and the diet had to occur in the last 24 months. Sooo, I had to call my old PCP (we'll call him Dr. A) to request my records because there was a 6 month period where he had me taking Provigil specifically for weight loss and was monitoring my progress. The problem with that is that I changed PCPs because I wasn't sure that Dr. A was going to be supportive with the whole WLS idea. The office staff wasn't very helpful and insisted that I drive all the way over there with my written request instead of faxing it over to them. When I got there they wouldn't give the records to me because Dr. A needed to "review" them. What does he need to review? They're my records and I should have access to them anytime I want. I'm starting to feel like Elaine on Seinfeld when she can't get a doctor to see her about a rash because her PCP wrote on her chart that she's a difficult patient. I'm not difficult! I'm not!

On the other hand, the insurance company did say that I was otherwise qualified for the surgery.

A Live Person...

called me today from the WLS clinic! I've been trying for weeks to get in touch with my "Care Coordinator". Never been able to actually get her on the phone but have left several messages for her to call me about various subjects. She's never called me back. Yesterday while I was at my mandatory pre-op education class the teacher (a nurse at the clinic) asked us if we had any questions. Several of us wondered if our "Care Coordinator" existed or if she was an imaginary scapegoat for them to blame all of the office problems on, but after some pestering from me and the teaching nurse, Brandi, I actually got a call back from a live person this afternoon. Hallelujah! She (the live person) only had good news for me. Here's the recap: my insurance company has already been contacted for authorization, as soon as my PCP faxes over my test results they can schedule me for surgery, all of my preliminary information looks good and it should be smooth sailing from here on out. I'm excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.

The pre-op education class was informative but it was mostly info that I already knew. However, I did learn one new interesting tidbit. After surgery most female patients experience a surge of hormones. Woo-hoo! I'm looking forward to that and I'm so glad that "we" got that vasectomy.

Finished up...

all of the tests today that are required for my gastric bypass surgery. It's all up to the insurance gods now. I'm hoping that I'll be able to schedule the surgery for the first part of August and have time to recover a little before school starts.
I was feeling somewhat unsure (again) about my decision to have surgery but then I got a glimpse of my rear end in a three way mirror inside of a Nordstrom's dressing room...enough said.