Ammie Not Amy

Falling Forward

Thanks so much to Melting Mama for posting this today.  It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Down 4 and Holding

I've spent the last 2 weeks in bed with a horrendous sinus infection.  No fun!  The good news is that I'm still holding my 4 pound weight loss.  Saturday the scale said I was down 2 more.  I haven't gotten on it since for fear of jinxing it.  Tomorrow I'll give it a go and report back.

Loving These!

I am LOVING these right now!  I loved the larger size before but because of the sugar alcohols I could only eat half of the full sized bars.  These are the perfect size for anyone with an altered gut system.  They will be a new staple in my purse!

Blue

I've been really depressed the last couple of months.  I'm sure part of it is that my weight is up and I tend to be a little down in January every year, but this seems to be more than that.  I've had many days lately that I find myself in bed at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and then I rush around like a mad woman to get myself put together so that everything appears to be normal.  I feel as though I'm living a double life sometimes.  I've been on antidepressants before.  They are not fun and usually cause more damage in my life than they're worth.  Also, I'm not sure if they would be effective with my altered plumbing.  Blah!  I'm trying to dig myself out of this hole.

On a lighter note, (no pun intended) I am down 4 pounds and holding.  My clothes still don't fit though.  More exercise, less carbs, more protein, more water, blah, blah, blah...I'm trudging along.

A Disservice?

I've been wondering today if I have done myself a disservice by not attending WLS support group meetings or by not continuing to be an active member of sites like OH?  I attended one support group meeting hosted by my bariatric surgeon's office when I was only a couple of months post-op.  One of the things that turned me off by it was that it felt a little like a Weight Watcher's meeting.  The nurses from the office were leading the meeting and they had a set topic for the night.  The group consisted mostly of women who were much farther out than me which is why I think I felt disconnected from them.  Also, the majority of them were still overweight and much older than I.  I should be bitch slapped for even thinking this (I'm just trying to keep it real) but I believe in some dark deep recess of my subconscious mind I didn't want to be around fat people who were struggling and appeared to be "unsuccessful" even after having WLS.  I never went back.

As far as sites like OH go...ugh, the drama!  I've already been to Jr. High girls.  I really don't want to have a virtual fight with you about which surgery is best or how awful I am for eating a bran muffin to battle my post-op constipation.  It seemed like once the honeymoon phase was over that most of the people left on those sites stayed to antagonize or to get up on their soapboxes.  I do check in on OH occasionally but find that there are mostly newbies posting and that the subject matter doesn't really relate to me anymore.

I do still read several WLS related blogs but overall  I'm pretty disconnected from the WLS community.  Good or bad?

The State of the Union

I only tend to post when things are good.  It's been a while so you do the math.  This is where I'm at:

Up 15 pounds

Got a nice little transfer addiction that I'm battling

Am being honest with myself (finally) about said transfer addiction

Trying to figure out WHY I continue to treat my body this way when I know that I'll only end up with hating myself in the morning

Making an effort to meditate on a daily basis and tell myself how much I love my body/myself even 15 pounds heavier or even if I gain it all back

Have only 1 pair of jeans (baggy *well, not anymore* boyfriend jeans) that fit me

Find myself not wanting to participate in a variety of activities and/or social situations because I've gained some weight (gee, I thought this was never gonna be a problem again after I had surgery)

Joined the YMCA along with my family

Have come to the realization that the real reason I didn't want to be open about my surgery was because I never believed that I was capable of being a successful "after"

Need to have my labs drawn but have not because...come on, guess!  You already know the answer -Because I've gained some weight!

Trying to believe that I have the strength, courage, and determination to make this work for me 

Working on being better about asking for help...I need it

Focusing more on the positive (at least trying to) and seeing the big picture.  Also, focusing on what I want instead of what I don't want

Recommitting myself to vent here once a week because that was my original intent.  It's not a report card.  I'm not being graded

Compliment?

So, I just have to get something off my chest that's been bugging me.  Several times over the last few months I've had several family members and friends ask me the question that every recipient of WLS dreads -

  "Are you up a few pounds?"  

I am and I'm not gonna lie about it.  I'm ashamed, embarrassed, and angry at myself, but I'm up about 8-10 pounds (depends on the day).  That, in and of itself, bugs me more than you could ever know, but what bugs me more is the response I've been getting to my very honest admission.  Are you ready for it?  Can you guess what it is?  

"Oh good! I was getting a little worried.  You were starting to look a little gaunt"

Gaunt?  Are you freaking kidding me?   Really? 130 (my low) is the going rate for gaunt these days? While I'm sure that their response is meant as a compliment on my current weight (which I hate, I might as well weigh 200+ pounds again because I feel no different now) it feels awful.  It feels like an excuse to fail.  It makes me feel angry that I worked so hard to get to that number, to feel good about myself and then when I'm no longer there it's like they're stomping all over that hard work and confidence that I gained.  It's a slap in the face and makes me wonder if people say things like this because they are happy to see me fail. Another reason it bothers me so much is that 130 was still 8 pounds shy of my doctor's goal weight for me.  130 was BARELY within the "normal" BMI range for my height.  Had I not picked up a nice little transfer distraction (not quite an addiction but definitely a transfer from one bad habit to another) I'd still be at 130 and what would all of those well-meaning people have to say then?  When I try to explain my frustration to them over their comments they act like I'm some weight obsessed waif with an eating disorder.  And while I realize these people love and care about me, I can't seem to get over the mess that this "compliment" has left in my head.  

A full range of emotions

These were taken 4 years ago.  I came across them earlier today.  They made me cry a little, hate myself, & be grateful all at the same time.

Just For You

My husband says that my posts have been way too negative so here's a positive post just for him! My weight this morning was 148 which is 65.5 pounds down. I wear a size 10 jeans now. They are a little snug but the 12s are too baggy. I only have about 33 more pounds to hit my personal goal and between 23 and 28 pounds before I hit my doctor's goal for me. I have a lot more confidence and look like a completely different person. All of those people who told me I never gained weight in my face were liars. See for yourself. The first photo is February 07 and the second is March 08. Click on the photos to see them full size. The layout of my blog crops me out a little bit so you don't get the full effect.

Two weekends ago while window shopping at a local outdoor mall I popped into a Lucy store. I'd never been in there before but they looked like they had some cute, active/yoga clothes so I decided to check it out. An hour and a half and x amount of dollars later (I'm not allowed to tell you how much I spent because it was such a large amount. My biggest purchase to date in fact.) I came out with 15 or so adorable pieces that could be mixed and matched for working out and everyday wear. The sales lady, Heidi, was amazing and kept bringing me adorable items and grouped them into mix and match outfits. I tried these and these on in a medium size and was fairly happy with they way they looked even though they were body hugging. Heidi kept insisting that they were too large and grabbed a size small for me. I don't know who was happier when I walked out of that fitting room wearing a size SMALL. As if the size alone wasn't enough to make me smile from here to NY, they looked pretty darn good on me too! I bought them both! I bought one pair in two different colors. I know that they are stretchy but still...a small. It was such a great moment and also a learning experience. I left knowing how to not only get the right size but also the right fit. If you have a Lucy store near you I'd highly recommend checking it out. The customer service was amazing and all of the items are so well made.

Things are going well. I am healthy. I am down almost 70 pounds. I can do things with my body that I never imagined I'd ever be able to do. I have a lot more confidence and I look pretty damn hot in my size 10 jeans!

A Slippery Slope

The last month I've been at war with my head. I've found myself falling into old habits. I've bought and hid items that I know darn well are no good for me. Of course I eat them when no one is around (helllooo! Can you say binge?). One day I bought not one but two pieces of cake from the grocery store. I know what you're thinking. "Store bought cake? What the hell was she thinking?" Oh but wait! It gets worse. I put the kids to bed, pull out both pieces of cake, and proceed to eat enough until I only dump mildly. The sick part of it was that I actually gave myself a pat on the back for eating enough to only make myself a little sick. Realizing my stupidity I closed the containers and tossed them in the trash. I wish that was the end of the story but it continues to get worse. The next day I'm running errands like a crazy person and finally decide around 2 that I should have a meal since I hadn't eaten anything solid all day. So instead of having some nuts and cheese or a quick sandwich on a stick (deli meat wrapped around string cheese) I dig through my trash and pull out the containers of cake. The packaging was a little messy but hey, the cake inside was perfectly clean. I ate cake until I caused myself some pretty intense intestinal pain and ended up having to call my neighbor to go get my kids from school. Later on I tearfully confessed to my husband who was wise enough to take the trash out to the dumpster. We tried to analyze why I would do something so stupid. All we could come up with is that I was really stressed out. Pre-WLS if I was stressed, mad, tired, etc., etc., I would eat. I would eat large quantities of foods that I knew were horrible for me. Usually it would be when I was alone or sometimes there would be a houseful of people but I'd escape to another room and inhale whatever I thought would make me feel better. This incident is reminiscent of those times and I'm a little bit freaked out by the whole situation. I knew going into this surgery that it would not rewire my brain. During my psych consult I told the doc that I felt like my biggest battle would be more of an emotional than a physical one. I guess I unrealistically hoped that by eight months out this would be easier for me. The truth of the matter is that it's not. The honeymoon period is over for me. I'm down 64 pounds but my weight loss has slowed down considerably. This past month I'm only down 3 pounds. In the beginning it was easier to feel like I wasn't being deprived because the weight was melting off quickly. Now that it has slowed down it has become increasingly harder for me to see the glass as half full. I'm starting to question myself and my ability to actually meet my goal. Am I being realistic? Maybe I've messed up my new pouch. Maybe I'm not meant to be any smaller. I keep trying to tell myself that I would be happy if I didn't lose another pound but what a crock! And why do I feel such a strong urge to eat to comfort myself? What's wrong with me? Why can't I do this? Why didn't I wait until they could rewire my head? How do I get myself back on track? How do I get back the newlywed feeling for my pouch?