The one where I find out: a.) which of my family members read my blog, b.) how fast the news will travel to those that don't, and c.) receive all sorts of flack for what I'm about to confess.

I have a body image problem.  When I was heavier I thought I felt bad about the way I looked because I was heavy.  Now here I am at 130, in a size 8, and at times I still feel the same way as I did when I was 83 pounds heavier about how I look.  Don't get me wrong, the good days far outweigh (no pun intended) the bad now that I'm smaller but in my heart of hearts I often feel not good enough.  Not worthy of this fabulous, life changing transformation that has taken over almost every aspect of my life.  Not worthy of the time and effort to take care of myself or treat myself with the respect that I try to treat those around me with.  It can be difficult to accept compliments at face value.  I have to remind myself that I should just say thank you to compliments instead of shooting down all of my efforts and progress by saying, "I'm getting there" or "It's a work in progress".  This has been one of the hardest if not the hardest thing for me in my whole WLS journey.

This past spring I attended a summer solstice yoga class.  In general, classes that are done during special times of the year are more meditative and introspective.  In preparation for the class we were asked to choose an item to bring with us that might serve as a future reminder of the changes that we wanted to make in ourselves.  Something tangible that would help us stay on the course we'd like our lives to take.  That in addition to the weekly meditations that I do in class got me thinking that perhaps I could use some sort of daily reminder.  An affirmation that I am in fact worthy of these new changes that I've made in my life.  That I'm worthy of this new found confidence that I feel.  That I'm worthy to hold my head up high regardless of how I lost the weight (I have some shame about my WLS but that's another post!).  That I'm worthy of the compliments people pay me.  I needed something I could see everyday and a post-it on my bathroom mirror was not going to cut it.  A new piece of jewelry seemed a little cliche and let's face it, with my taste, very expensive!  I needed something that was going to follow me throughout my life.  Something that I could see in those moments when I wanted to eat something I "needed" to eat something to fill in that doubt and self-loathing.  And then, during a conversation that Brian and I had in Cabo, it came to me.  A tattoo.  

I have always appreciated a good tattoo in part because I am a bit rebellious.  Tattoos are not forbidden per say but definitely frowned upon in the religion in which we were raised and are active participants in.  They always seemed like a cool thing but not something that I would choose for myself.  Over the past 11 years or so that we've lived in LA I've been fortunate enough to grow as a person and allow my heart and mind to be more open than I ever thought possible for a person who grew up in rural Idaho.  I thought that if I ever were brave enough to get a tattoo it would certainly be in a place that only I would be able to see and it would have to mean something very special to me.  After a lot of research, a lot of thought, and more soul searching than I've done in who knows when, I did this:

Turn your head to the left.  (I can't figure out how to get it upright!).  It's just below my left wrist and almost completely healed.  I love it!  Originally, I wanted white ink so that it would be barely there but soon learned that in time the white would yellow and that didn't sound attractive.  I was all set on flesh colored ink but after discussing what I wanted with my tattoo artist we settled on a pale shade of pink. This photo was taken yesterday and it's two weeks old.  As the ink settles it will fade some.  

It hurt.  The pain wasn't unbearable but it was not a good feeling.  We actually ended up having to go over it twice.  The second time around wasn't as bad.  Of course I chose one of the more painful places to get a tattoo.  I lived and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  No regrets.  

I'm sure that there will be some of you who will never understand why I would choose to mark myself like this.  I don't want acceptance.  I don't want/need your permission.  The whole experience has proven to be one of the most  empowering experiences  in my life to date.  It was not done on a whim.  I am prepared for your comments both positive and negative and you know what....

I Am Worthy!

Comments

[Brian]

I am very proud of and how far you've come. Please don't allow the doubts and old fears to overshadow what you have accomplished. I love you so much.

[kristi]

I was thinking of these very things the other day and was going to ask you about it. I remember living in Los Angeles when I was a size 8, and I still felt fat, and here I am back to almost size 20 and I am fat. How do we fix this? I have been contemplating going to Overeaters Anonymous, or some sort of counseling for my own body issues. It is definitely something that we need to get to the root of the problem (emotional root), recognize it, accept it, work through it and hand it over to the Lord. BAdda boom badda bing. Then we can truly love ourselves no matter where we are at.

[Ammie Not Amy]

I guess that's what it comes down to...you have to love yourself at any size to overcome feelings of self doubt. It's a journey I guess but I hope I "arrive" sooner rather than later.

[Tiffany]

Hi Ammie, I just stumbled upon your blog today - and we seem to have a lot in common. I love your writings, and I absolutely love the tattoo. A very profound and meaningful gesture. I love it!!!!