Ammie Not Amy

It's 5 o'clock somewhere

I do really well until 5 and then everything unravels.  Not sure if it's because I'm tired, bored, or a combination of the two.  I'm trying to stay positive and stick to my rules. 

 I've been tracking my food and to be honest, I'm not sure how many calories I should be eating.  I should call up my wls clinic and ask I guess.  Duh!  The good news is that tomorrow is a new day, right?

I suck

The 5 day pouch test went well.  I learned that I am still able to feel that fullness in my pouch when eating and that I can sustain myself on 800 calories or less (sometimes only 500).  I even lost 3 pounds at the end of the 5 days.  The problem is that it all went to shit on day 6.  I'm really mad at myself.  I hate that I still feel like I have no control over my addictions (and that there is more than 1 now).  The scale keeps going up and it makes me want to cry, throw a fit, and ultimately punish my body by putting junk in it.  I have to get this under control and at least for today, I have a plan.  My plan for today is:

*To not eat carbs that are bad for me (minus the wedge of banana chocolate chip muffin I've already popped into my mouth),

*To drink protein shakes all day and only eat 1 solid meal (dinner),

*Log every single calorie that goes into my mouth (the wedge of muffin included),

*Drink 64 ounces of water today (this will be the hardest for me) and abstain from drinking any drinks that have calories and contain 0 protein.

I should probably add exercise onto this list but I don't want to set myself up to fail.  I'm going to take it one day at a time.  Today is day one.  Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it.

Pouch Test Day 2

Yesterday was a breeze!  I felt great and it's true, I do not feel hunger pains at all.  Today has been harder.  I have had a headache most of the afternoon (carb withdrawal?).  Still no hunger pains but definitely feeling a little more run down.  Tomorrow I think I can eat tuna and eggs. I'd better go boil some now.  Stay tuned.

P.S  And not weight loss as of this morning.

5 Day Pouch Test

I'm doing it out of neccessity. Today is day one. It's almost 12:35 & I'm not the slightest bit hungry (physically hungry that is). And no I haven't cheated either. I haven't been hungry in nearly 2 years. So will someone please tell me why I continue to eat?

Private

I'm thinking of going private.  There's lots of stuff going on with me but I don't feel like I can be completely honest unless I know exactly who's reading.  I'm computer challenged and can't figure out how to see which IP addresses are visiting the site much less ban the ones I'd prefer to not read here.  Maybe I have a huge ego thinking that anyone is reading here anyway.  It's not like I advertised the blog to anyone.  Originally I set this place up for myself, a safe place for me to let it all hang out.  I really need that now.  You've been warned. 

Yogi Bhajan says...

When you cannot control your eating,

you have no control over your metabolism

and that is linked to self-respect,

self-exertion, and self effectiveness.

Once you gain control over your eating,

you can control anything.

This was in my Yogi Bhajan everyday calendar today.  It really is true.

A-ha!

Ok...let me just start by saying that I AM FINE.  I haven't been hauled off to a padded room (not yet anyway).  When I wrote my last post I was in the midst of indulging in my alternative addiction and had an a-ha moment when I realized what a fine mess I was in.  I guess the fact that I was able to recognize that I was trading one addiction for another was a good indication that I'm not completely an addict (does that sound like a justification).  There was a moment of clarity there and I have made a conscious effort to abstain from the new addiction since that moment.  Unfortunately, that just means that I've had all of this nervous energy and have been popping little bits of this and that into my mouth at various times during the day. The scale is reflecting those little bits of this and that which makes me an unhappy camper.  I did have a very profound experience last week that has helped pull me out of the fog of depression that I'd been wandering in for a couple of months now.  That has made a huge improvement.  I guess what I'm admitting here is that (even though I REALLY don't want to) I need help.  I can't do this on my own.  I need some guidance on how to cope with my addictive tendencies or at least try and turn them into a positive.  This sucks!  This feels like a failure but I realize that the only person I'll be hurting by not seeking help is myself.  I do not want to have a regain.  I do not want to gain a new problem.  I think I just hit the nail on the head there.  

 I do not want to gain a new problem.

Transfer Addiction

I think I may have one. I hope I'm wrong.

Miscellaneous

Is it possible to gain 6 pounds overnight?  That's what my scale said a couple of days ago.  I've been avoiding it ever since.  

No response from my extended family members about the tattoo.  I know you all know and I know you'll have something to say about it.  Or maybe not.  I can never read you guys.  I still love it by the way.

I have had a lot of blood sugar issues lately.  At least I think that's what is going on. Out of nowhere I'll start to feel shaky and then it starts to drop and FAST!  The most effective way to pull myself out of it is with juice (not always readily available) but most often small, hard candies.  In fact, I always carry 

life-savers in my purse now.  I'm not sure what causes these episodes.  When I mentioned the blood sugar issue with my bariatric surgeon at my last check up in July he felt they were most likely caused by me not eating enough or often enough.  While that could very well be the cause of these episodes, I'm also wondering if they are caused by meals that are too high in carbs.  Sometimes it will drop an hour or so after I've eaten.  I guess I need to start keeping a daily log of everything I put in my mouth so that I can at least narrow down the problem.  This is something that has been happening more often lately (at least several times a week) and it's starting to stress me out.  I worry what might happen if I'm in a situation where I don't have access to candy, juice, and/or soda.  Can we get diabetes post-op?  I get my labs drawn next week and will see my surgeon next month.  These little episodes will be at the top of my list of things to talk about. 

**************************************Edited to add******************************************

My sugar has been off all day today regardless of what or how I ate.  Normally it only lasts until I can get some sugar in me.

The one where I find out: a.) which of my family members read my blog, b.) how fast the news will travel to those that don't, and c.) receive all sorts of flack for what I'm about to confess.

I have a body image problem.  When I was heavier I thought I felt bad about the way I looked because I was heavy.  Now here I am at 130, in a size 8, and at times I still feel the same way as I did when I was 83 pounds heavier about how I look.  Don't get me wrong, the good days far outweigh (no pun intended) the bad now that I'm smaller but in my heart of hearts I often feel not good enough.  Not worthy of this fabulous, life changing transformation that has taken over almost every aspect of my life.  Not worthy of the time and effort to take care of myself or treat myself with the respect that I try to treat those around me with.  It can be difficult to accept compliments at face value.  I have to remind myself that I should just say thank you to compliments instead of shooting down all of my efforts and progress by saying, "I'm getting there" or "It's a work in progress".  This has been one of the hardest if not the hardest thing for me in my whole WLS journey.

This past spring I attended a summer solstice yoga class.  In general, classes that are done during special times of the year are more meditative and introspective.  In preparation for the class we were asked to choose an item to bring with us that might serve as a future reminder of the changes that we wanted to make in ourselves.  Something tangible that would help us stay on the course we'd like our lives to take.  That in addition to the weekly meditations that I do in class got me thinking that perhaps I could use some sort of daily reminder.  An affirmation that I am in fact worthy of these new changes that I've made in my life.  That I'm worthy of this new found confidence that I feel.  That I'm worthy to hold my head up high regardless of how I lost the weight (I have some shame about my WLS but that's another post!).  That I'm worthy of the compliments people pay me.  I needed something I could see everyday and a post-it on my bathroom mirror was not going to cut it.  A new piece of jewelry seemed a little cliche and let's face it, with my taste, very expensive!  I needed something that was going to follow me throughout my life.  Something that I could see in those moments when I wanted to eat something I "needed" to eat something to fill in that doubt and self-loathing.  And then, during a conversation that Brian and I had in Cabo, it came to me.  A tattoo.  

I have always appreciated a good tattoo in part because I am a bit rebellious.  Tattoos are not forbidden per say but definitely frowned upon in the religion in which we were raised and are active participants in.  They always seemed like a cool thing but not something that I would choose for myself.  Over the past 11 years or so that we've lived in LA I've been fortunate enough to grow as a person and allow my heart and mind to be more open than I ever thought possible for a person who grew up in rural Idaho.  I thought that if I ever were brave enough to get a tattoo it would certainly be in a place that only I would be able to see and it would have to mean something very special to me.  After a lot of research, a lot of thought, and more soul searching than I've done in who knows when, I did this:

Turn your head to the left.  (I can't figure out how to get it upright!).  It's just below my left wrist and almost completely healed.  I love it!  Originally, I wanted white ink so that it would be barely there but soon learned that in time the white would yellow and that didn't sound attractive.  I was all set on flesh colored ink but after discussing what I wanted with my tattoo artist we settled on a pale shade of pink. This photo was taken yesterday and it's two weeks old.  As the ink settles it will fade some.  

It hurt.  The pain wasn't unbearable but it was not a good feeling.  We actually ended up having to go over it twice.  The second time around wasn't as bad.  Of course I chose one of the more painful places to get a tattoo.  I lived and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  No regrets.  

I'm sure that there will be some of you who will never understand why I would choose to mark myself like this.  I don't want acceptance.  I don't want/need your permission.  The whole experience has proven to be one of the most  empowering experiences  in my life to date.  It was not done on a whim.  I am prepared for your comments both positive and negative and you know what....

I Am Worthy!